How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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