I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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