Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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