I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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