There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
there is glitter all over my balls
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
