dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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