We're facebook friends in real life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
