woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
