my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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