Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
sex in a hospital.. check
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.