went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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