Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
