Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
