I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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