I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
