margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is Oprah even human
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
