she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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