I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
