I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.