I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
