I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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