All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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