Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
