I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
