I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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