The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Two words: nipple clamps
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