I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
