I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
