She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
