My friends, they love my intelligence
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
