the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
