I haven't been this sober since birth.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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