the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
