Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
