I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
