That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
