my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He has the fingertips of a God
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