Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
