Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
