smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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