I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
