i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
