Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
