atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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