Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
