The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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