i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
