I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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