Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
