You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
