my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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