Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
