So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
