Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
