i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We are two peas in an std pod
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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