...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
